Sunday, April 12, 2009


WARNING!!! This will be a sappy post. I use this blog as my makeshift journal/scrapbook, and I need to write to get some stuff out. Read on if you wish, but be forewarned... :)
Last week, conference was just what I needed. There were several talks that I felt were speaking right to me, but one stuck out. Elder Holland's talk was amazing. I think I have watched it 4 times now. Thank you, Tivo!
Today being Easter we had lessons at church about the atonement as well, and it was all I could do to keep it together. I think in life we sometimes focus on the atonement as paying for our sins, which is a huge part of it. But I tend to forget that it is so much more. I am going through some very difficult times in my life right now, and even though I have a TON of support, friends, family, and the most amazing in-law family I could ever have asked for, the brunt of these burdens I must carry on my own. My friends and family cannot carry them for me. Everybody wants to help, but there is just not much anyone else can do. Everyone is doing all they can, and that is loving me, listening without judgement, and being there.
I have felt very alone lately. Like I said, I have to carry these burdens. I have been lonely for a very long time now, and I am finally starting to feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is a lot less lonely to not have to fake it anymore. I feel like I have been living this Hannah Montana life- I put out this act so everyone thinks everything is ok, but I have been slowly dying on the inside. I am so glad/relieved I don't have to do that anymore. It has been so difficult to connect with people, when I can't show them the real me. Now that people know, I feel so much more connected, and like I can actually let people in. Even though it's not fun, I don't have to pretend.
But still, I have felt alone. I see everyone moving forward with life/family goals. I feel like I have been in limbo for so long, and like I will be there for a long time still.
When I got the answer to a difficult decision, I felt such a sense of peace, and like Heavenly Father really does know me, and He does want me to be happy. For a long time, I thought it was just my trial to be unhappy. It made me feel so good to know that I don't have to do this anymore. I physically and emotionally could not put the act on anymore. It is so easy to just be me now. No act, just me. Sometimes I don't know what that is because it has been so long.
Then I heard Elder Holland's talk. It hit me hard that all this time I felt like I had been doing this all on my own, when all I had to do was ask for help. I know that I have been getting help, because I have had a strength I have not ever felt, I have been able to do things I never thought possible, but how much more help would I have had if I had just asked? I know that ultimately, I still have to do this, but it is such a comfort to know that Jesus has already carried these burdens for me, and I am not alone. I just need to ask daily, maybe even hourly for the strength to do what I need to do. To be honest, I don't know how I have not had a bleeding ulcer, or heart attack with all the stress I have been feeling. But even now, the smile feels a lot more genuine. I am so grateful for the love and support I have felt from everyone who loves me. It is good to feel loved. I am so grateful for the Atonement, and that I am able to feel It's power in my life. I don't know how someone without this Gospel would be able to go through what I am going through, because I know that I could not do it on my own.
I feel like I have been a very bad friend lately. I have been so absorbed in what I am going through, that I haven't noticed others' struggles. I hope to be done thinking about myself soon, and be there for the people who have helped carry me through the last few months. that's all folks...
And thanks for being patient!