Sunday, April 12, 2009

sappy...

WARNING!!! This will be a sappy post. I use this blog as my makeshift journal/scrapbook, and I need to write to get some stuff out. Read on if you wish, but be forewarned... :)
Last week, conference was just what I needed. There were several talks that I felt were speaking right to me, but one stuck out. Elder Holland's talk was amazing. I think I have watched it 4 times now. Thank you, Tivo!
Today being Easter we had lessons at church about the atonement as well, and it was all I could do to keep it together. I think in life we sometimes focus on the atonement as paying for our sins, which is a huge part of it. But I tend to forget that it is so much more. I am going through some very difficult times in my life right now, and even though I have a TON of support, friends, family, and the most amazing in-law family I could ever have asked for, the brunt of these burdens I must carry on my own. My friends and family cannot carry them for me. Everybody wants to help, but there is just not much anyone else can do. Everyone is doing all they can, and that is loving me, listening without judgement, and being there.
I have felt very alone lately. Like I said, I have to carry these burdens. I have been lonely for a very long time now, and I am finally starting to feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is a lot less lonely to not have to fake it anymore. I feel like I have been living this Hannah Montana life- I put out this act so everyone thinks everything is ok, but I have been slowly dying on the inside. I am so glad/relieved I don't have to do that anymore. It has been so difficult to connect with people, when I can't show them the real me. Now that people know, I feel so much more connected, and like I can actually let people in. Even though it's not fun, I don't have to pretend.
But still, I have felt alone. I see everyone moving forward with life/family goals. I feel like I have been in limbo for so long, and like I will be there for a long time still.
When I got the answer to a difficult decision, I felt such a sense of peace, and like Heavenly Father really does know me, and He does want me to be happy. For a long time, I thought it was just my trial to be unhappy. It made me feel so good to know that I don't have to do this anymore. I physically and emotionally could not put the act on anymore. It is so easy to just be me now. No act, just me. Sometimes I don't know what that is because it has been so long.
Then I heard Elder Holland's talk. It hit me hard that all this time I felt like I had been doing this all on my own, when all I had to do was ask for help. I know that I have been getting help, because I have had a strength I have not ever felt, I have been able to do things I never thought possible, but how much more help would I have had if I had just asked? I know that ultimately, I still have to do this, but it is such a comfort to know that Jesus has already carried these burdens for me, and I am not alone. I just need to ask daily, maybe even hourly for the strength to do what I need to do. To be honest, I don't know how I have not had a bleeding ulcer, or heart attack with all the stress I have been feeling. But even now, the smile feels a lot more genuine. I am so grateful for the love and support I have felt from everyone who loves me. It is good to feel loved. I am so grateful for the Atonement, and that I am able to feel It's power in my life. I don't know how someone without this Gospel would be able to go through what I am going through, because I know that I could not do it on my own.
I feel like I have been a very bad friend lately. I have been so absorbed in what I am going through, that I haven't noticed others' struggles. I hope to be done thinking about myself soon, and be there for the people who have helped carry me through the last few months. that's all folks...
And thanks for being patient!

9 comments:

Sally said...

I'm glad that you are opening up and I am glad that you have realized you don't have to do it all alone. I hope you can continue to feel peace from that. I think about you a lot. I'm so glad you are my friend. You are a great example. What days do you have off this week? Come play at my house...

The O'Neils said...

Wow! Sheri...I look up to you so much for the strength that you have to do all that you do and have gone through. I am so glad you have come to the realization you are NOT alone; turning to friends, family or your heavenly father, everyone wants the best for you :)! I am so grateful that I have gotten to know you and have a great love for you :). Keep your head up and know that you can turn to anyone of us and we are standing there with open arms and listening ears… anytime!

Matt and Brianna said...

Sheri,
First I would like to say "ditto" to your whole post!! I have been feeling the exact same way lately...being self absorbed about my own trials with my kids situations. I am so glad I was able to see you guys these weekend!! I SO needed it! I have had the same realization this Easter weekend of the Atonement as a whole!! He is there for us! He HAS already carried our burdens!! And the one that usually makes me cringe when people say it, "These things only happen to those who are strong enough to handle them" As much as I usually hate hearing that, it IS true!! Heavenly Father knows you! He loves you!! He wants you to be happy!!! Sheri, you are a great friend! I am so glad we are still friends after all these years! I want you to know, this will pass, and YOU, my dear, will be the happiest little thing on the planet!!!!!!!!!

I am here for you!! Even if ya just need a babysitter! I love you Sheri! You are an amazing person! Please don't hesitate to call on your friends for love and support! Even if it's just to laugh and make jokes :) I love you girl!!!

TC Jolley said...

Sheri, I just want you to know that I think you are great. You are special and you've made me feel loved just by being around you. I know what you mean when you say you feel all alone, it's a hard feeling to deal with. Just know that you are loved and you are doing a great job.

Erin Nicole said...

Dear Sheri,

I can't even imagine what you are going through. You are so strong...don't ever forget that. You are not weak, you are amazing. You will get through this, and you will be a better mother, a better friend, and a person. J. Holland's talk also talked about being alone, and even the Savior for just a moment felt that withdrawl in the physical flesh, however our Heavenly Father never leaves ourside. He know's you and will always be with you. I will be thinking about you Sheri!

The Silly Nilly Family said...

Thanks for sharing. Love Jen.

The Zemp Family said...

I am so glad that you are finally able to be who you want to be, that has to be a great feeling. Thank you for being so authentic it really is painful to feel lonely, and I am glad that you were blessed with an experience that helped you through this time. I don't know you as well as I would like, but I do want you to know that I genuinely care about you, and am willing to help in any way possible. I do know that sometimes the burdens that we are carrying can only be carried by us and our savior alone, and I will keep your family in my prayers, as that might be the most helpful thing during this time. Just let me know if I can do anything.

Megan said...

You are so amazing. Seriously.

Dallas and Krista said...

I love how open this is. Sometimes it can just feel so good to say it like it is. I hardly even know you and I am proud of you!