Thursday, August 27, 2009

La Vita e Bela

Life is beautiful! I feel like such a slacker lately! Seriously, we've been so busy, I have barely been able to keep my head above water. But I am loving every minute of it! I feel like my last post was SOOOO negative, that I need to make this one super positive so I don't force anyone to put a bullet in their brain! I had a lot of drama going on for a while, and while still ever-present, the drama is winding down. And I could not be happier. (well, maybe a little, but I will save that for later...) ;)
I am back in my house which adds a little bit of stress to my life, but it's mostly good stress. I love my house. My kiddos are so happy to see their toys that have been in storage for a year! You should see them run around the house. It does my heart good to be at home with them, and get them settled. We have been in limbo for waaaayyy too long, and now we are finally settling back into "normal", whatever that means. ;)
I am having a ton of fun, being me, relearning what that means and who I am. I have a new found hope, and belief that there are good people out there. I am learning to trust, and building friendships and just enjoying life in general!
I am learning that what I am doing is extremely hard, but I can do it. I can do hard things with a little help from You Know Who. Every day I fail a little, but I also succeed a little. I have days where I feel like I can't do it, but then I just do. And I keep on doing. I am tired, a lot. But I also smile and laugh like I haven't in years.
Thank you to all the amazing friends and family who have supported me and listened and loved me through all of this. I know I could not have done it on my own. I have never felt more loved, just knowing that I had people I could trust who were there when/if I needed them. Even if I didn't always rely on anyone, it is a tremendous comfort to know that safety net is there to catch you if you fall.
I will probably fall on my face a million more times, but I will smile and get back up and learn from it.
So I guess this is me, officially re-joining the blogging world. I guess I felt like I didn't have all the normal happy stuff to post, so I only posted when I needed to vent. But hopefully now I will be able to post the cute, funny, sweet things my kids say and do, and the fun times we have.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

What the HELLLL!!!???

Excuse my language. But seriously. I just got some news about someone I love that broke my heart. I feel like hell is just right here, on this earth with us. WHY do we let things into our lives that will hurt us, and those we love??? Why do we do it? It's not like those things actually bring us any happiness, even hardly momentarilly! They add to our misery. Why do we put things ahead of our spouses, children, family and true friends? We know they will hurt us in the end, and we still do it. I am terrified for my children. I am so discouraged that there isn't any chance that they will be able to make it through this life and be happy, confident, good, honest, caring, compassionate human beings. Satan is right here with us, and I am freaking pissed at him! There is an epidemic of selfishness right now, and I am not saying at all in any way that I do not suffer from selfishness, but what is with people??? All we have to do is treat others with kindness and respect and try to put their needs before our own. If we all did this, then WE WOULD ALL BE HAPPY!!! Imagine that!?
Why do we think money, worldly possessions and power will make us happy. The only thing that will bring us true joy is our relationships with the people we love. If we know this, then why do we place such importance on the other things?
Venting, sorry if you are reading this and I ruined your day/night.
I am ANGRY, sad, heartbroken, scared, and feeling so helpless right now. How do we stop this???
Wow, this not pretending everything is perfect is really nice. I can just act psycho for a little bit, let it out and feel better :)

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Blogworthy? I think so...

I love this boy. I am not quite sure if I should worry about the girly stuff he likes to get into, or if it is just because he sees Ava liking it. Some days as a single mom are really overwhelming, and I am just not sure if I can do this. Then they do something cute, and I am so glad I am their MOMMY!

Sunday, April 12, 2009


WARNING!!! This will be a sappy post. I use this blog as my makeshift journal/scrapbook, and I need to write to get some stuff out. Read on if you wish, but be forewarned... :)
Last week, conference was just what I needed. There were several talks that I felt were speaking right to me, but one stuck out. Elder Holland's talk was amazing. I think I have watched it 4 times now. Thank you, Tivo!
Today being Easter we had lessons at church about the atonement as well, and it was all I could do to keep it together. I think in life we sometimes focus on the atonement as paying for our sins, which is a huge part of it. But I tend to forget that it is so much more. I am going through some very difficult times in my life right now, and even though I have a TON of support, friends, family, and the most amazing in-law family I could ever have asked for, the brunt of these burdens I must carry on my own. My friends and family cannot carry them for me. Everybody wants to help, but there is just not much anyone else can do. Everyone is doing all they can, and that is loving me, listening without judgement, and being there.
I have felt very alone lately. Like I said, I have to carry these burdens. I have been lonely for a very long time now, and I am finally starting to feel like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is a lot less lonely to not have to fake it anymore. I feel like I have been living this Hannah Montana life- I put out this act so everyone thinks everything is ok, but I have been slowly dying on the inside. I am so glad/relieved I don't have to do that anymore. It has been so difficult to connect with people, when I can't show them the real me. Now that people know, I feel so much more connected, and like I can actually let people in. Even though it's not fun, I don't have to pretend.
But still, I have felt alone. I see everyone moving forward with life/family goals. I feel like I have been in limbo for so long, and like I will be there for a long time still.
When I got the answer to a difficult decision, I felt such a sense of peace, and like Heavenly Father really does know me, and He does want me to be happy. For a long time, I thought it was just my trial to be unhappy. It made me feel so good to know that I don't have to do this anymore. I physically and emotionally could not put the act on anymore. It is so easy to just be me now. No act, just me. Sometimes I don't know what that is because it has been so long.
Then I heard Elder Holland's talk. It hit me hard that all this time I felt like I had been doing this all on my own, when all I had to do was ask for help. I know that I have been getting help, because I have had a strength I have not ever felt, I have been able to do things I never thought possible, but how much more help would I have had if I had just asked? I know that ultimately, I still have to do this, but it is such a comfort to know that Jesus has already carried these burdens for me, and I am not alone. I just need to ask daily, maybe even hourly for the strength to do what I need to do. To be honest, I don't know how I have not had a bleeding ulcer, or heart attack with all the stress I have been feeling. But even now, the smile feels a lot more genuine. I am so grateful for the love and support I have felt from everyone who loves me. It is good to feel loved. I am so grateful for the Atonement, and that I am able to feel It's power in my life. I don't know how someone without this Gospel would be able to go through what I am going through, because I know that I could not do it on my own.
I feel like I have been a very bad friend lately. I have been so absorbed in what I am going through, that I haven't noticed others' struggles. I hope to be done thinking about myself soon, and be there for the people who have helped carry me through the last few months. that's all folks...
And thanks for being patient!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Sometimes, he's so stinkin' cute.... And sometimes, he's just a stinker!!!

I took the kids out to Manzanita to watch the sprint car races. They loved it! This is I think my favorite picture of Ava and Lily being sweet!
Brody havin a ball at Makutu's Island...

I'd have taken some pictures of Ava, but I didn't see her the whole time!

Brody's world is full of frustration right now! The kid thinks he can do everything all by himself, and when he can't, he has to throw a fit. Or if you try to help him, he throws a fit! It's driving me bonkers. It is a good thing he is so cute! He hates getting in the car all of a sudden, and arches his back when I try to buckle him in. Seriously, makes me nuts!

I need to remember to blog more often. Since I discovered Facebook, blogging has taken a backseat because FB is so much easier! But then I remember that this is kind of my journal/scrapbook, so I need to do better!!!
Lately, Brody has been talking, a lot. I can't understand most of it, but here is what I have interpreted so I won't forget...
gogobba-grasshopper (that's my new favorite, thanks, Dad!)
whe-de-go?-where did he go? (when the deacon passed by us with the sacrament)

Ava booty shakin' between races! Funny.

Sunday, March 8, 2009


Lily runnin' in the snow

Ava making a snow angel

Early in the morning by our cabin, still in our jammies

Uncle Dusty, Ava and Lily

Ava and Lily

I wanted to take the kiddos to do something fun this weekend. I was hoping for snow up north, but they said there wouldn't be any. But we went anyway. My brother Dusty, his girlfriend Melina and her little girl Lily came and we stayed in a cute little log cabin. We flew kites, played and then found that there actually was snow @ Sunrise!!! Even though we were not prepared for snow, we played in it a little bit and froze our tushies off! It was sooooo cold!

More Pinetop pics...

Ava running in the snow
Me getting sprayed by Dusty

My snow angel

My boy

Ava's snow angel

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Blogging Hiatus

I have been so stinkin' crazy busy this wonderful Christmas season, that I have not blogged in quite a while. It's just on the bottom of my never-ending to-do list, so I haven't gotten to it. But I am back, to rant and rave, and share my daily folly's. I am someone who has a blog, but I don't consider myself a blogger. Does that make sense? What I mean is: some people spend lots of time, update their blog often, check others blogs often, and somehow seem to always have something new and funny to share. I am not that together. But, blogging is important to me because it is a great way to share our funny (and sometimes not so funny) moments, and also have a way to look back on our lives. I haven't been great at journaling these last few years, so it's been a good thing for me to have this to look back on. And I am so glad I posted some fun pictures on here, because after Brody dropped my hard drive, I lost all my pictures, and was devastated. I learned my lesson, and now I am going to post more. SO BEWARE!!! I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas, and an exciting New Year, here are a few of the highlights from the last few weeks...

"Who is this man with the white beard?! Get me outta here!", Brody says.

"I want a Barbie car." Ava says before Santa even asks. It's actually quite funny, because last year, Ava was screaming and Brody was smiling. Ava finally figured out that you gotta be nice to the big guy to get what you want!

My mom and I had 2 cinnamon roll marathon days. Yeah, we're crazy, and I gained 5 lbs! Look at the bliss on Bro's face as he licks the frosting from his fingers!

Brody visiting with our neighbor to the south. He was so excited to discover a "hussy" back there.

Ava turned 4 a few weeks ago. I can't believe my girl is 4!! We had a
"little chef" party. I made aprons and got chef hats for all the kids. They made their own pizza and had a blast. I was so done with the Princess party thing, so I tried something different, and they loved it. Happy Birthday Sweet Girl.

We gave Lauryn and Brody some of the leftover sunglasses from Ava's goody bags and when I went to take a picture, Brody scooted over and put his arm around Lauryn. It was adorable! He is always looking for ways to love on her. He's such an affectionate kid, I love it!

Something cute I don't want to forget...

The other day Ava climbed into bed with me and woke me up with a kiss, and said, "You are so sweet and such a good mommy" I was glad that she forgot the day before when I felt like all I did was yell at her. I hope she has lots of "holes" in her memory for all the mistakes I make.